Lesson 103 ~Second Wind~

Monday, April 11, 2011



Hey Lady Lu…

It really doesn’t matter you know, a night’s sleep, my feelings on any subject, or even my many suicide attempts, everyday I wake up and I’m still here. Today’s lesson is about getting that second wind or whatever it is that keeps me here, these fleeting moments that keep me from doing what I know is necessary.



Luna if you want a simple answer let’s start with today… I’ve fallen in love with this movie “REPO! The Genetic Opera”. In about twenty minutes I’m going to be watching “General Hospital” something else I love; didn’t I say I was through with love some time ago? If this day continues like this maybe I’ll go to bed with no trouble and I might just get lucky enough to actually wake up and discover that The Abomination has died.



What about in the long run… there is no long run for me, like I have said so many times before I don’t like thinking further than five minutes at a time because after those five minutes the world goes to shit. Sometimes I close my eyes and the bad part comes when I open them again to realize that yeah I’m still here and I actually did miss something I care about. You know what’s worse Luna is that I have to open my eyes again and I have this renewed energy, this spark to do something, my second wind.



Call it hope Lady Lu; how I hate hope, I mean what is its purpose other than to drive me insane, make me sick, and how I wanted to say let me die but that’s too much to hope for these days. Yet all I really hope for these days is to die and just like every single thing I have ever wanted in my life I don’t get what I want, don’t get what I need, what I get is another day and the shell to endure it in.



Yesterday I felt a surge of strength to the sound of fifty-nine cents; do you see how little it takes, how little I expect, and how little I think I’m actually worth Luna? I find I have to constantly remind myself that when I recover that it only means I have to try harder with the dying; so when I make money it all goes towards the cause of my impending death.



It only took fifty nine cents and for some reason I started planning my comeback, hell Luna I’m talking to you. I’ve stopped expecting anything at all so I get some money that I actually earned and well like I said I didn’t expect a damn thing at all. It’s getting so hard to think lower of myself, I mean I am zero but this zero is thinking dollar signs and I won’t ever make it that far I know.



When I was in the car today I actually started thinking what if I had about a hundred dollars… could I get a gun, could I finally end it, and where the hell would I get bullets? How I have thought that with enough money I could do anything; it wouldn’t be positive I just might be able to go easy you know. There was a time when I figured the money would help me escape... isn’t this escape; to die would be such a sweet escape Luna.



So what have I learned today… that waking up to find ways to die is just another waste of my life which is redundant considering everything I do is a waste and money, especially fifty-nine cents is not the answer. As for my final thought; if I had a million dollars right now I would still kill myself, I don’t need a Second Wind.



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