Lesson 105 ~Spin Cycle~

Monday, April 25, 2011

Hey Lady Luna…
I hate spinning… long story short The Abomination, teacups, and a whole lot of vomit; just one of many things he would steal from me. Today’s lesson will be about control because I feel myself losing it; seems an odd thing to say I mean we know I’m crazy but a few days ago with a single action I felt myself losing I suppose whatever’s left of my sanity.

Luna I ask myself time and time again how I continue to live as thus, I mean everyday I wake up hoping to die and on one hand I would say we are back to status quo, on the other hand that status keeps getting lower and lower. Now those teacups weren’t fragile things but real teacups are and there is only so much they can take before they lose their purpose; honestly I have had no purpose but have I not been holding on? Soon all you are left with is a mess for everyone to see and you know something… it might just be better that way, no more hiding.

I was hiding a few days ago, in darkness, behind closed doors, in Hell and really isn’t Hell the one place you should be able to get your rage on? All of a sudden I was spinning, I was hurting, and I was sick just like I was back on that damn teacup and it was only a matter of time before I got “Down with the Sickness”. That day it was only the top of the couch and after I struck it I suddenly came back into myself… whatever it is I am.

You see spinning has turned from just a good time, like looking at porn, a game, or a life of possibilities to the knowledge that someday I’ll have to stop and there will be a mess. Maybe that’s what I really want but I still want to be me; it’s what kept me from much more inventive methods of suicide Luna.

Can you imagine what it will be like Luna when I finally stand; hell when I do stand it will be against The Abomination and it can not end any other way than ugly. Isn’t that what I tell myself over and over again but really how often have words been used as part of the spin cycle; an excuse for my cowardice?

When I got off that teacup I teetered and tottered but as much as I wanted to fall, to stop, and to run away I just couldn’t do it anymore, desperate times and all that jazz. Luna you know the ugliness has never bothered me; when you realize what you have to do, you just do it and that’s what I need to know now. In the end it really doesn’t matter does it… not really praying but oh my Lord whether it’s The Abomination’s judgment day, or my own it will all be over and I will be free.

Big words but talking the talk has never been my problem it’s walking the walk which brings me to a very recent development. I got a call about a job, no wonder I feel so sick right now like I’m spinning; getting the interview is one thing, getting the job is quite another. The ride is ending; what am I going to do, is there further to fall, will I lose control, or will I accept the mess in hopes of when it is over I will feel better my dear Luna?

What have I learned… that the world just keeps on spinning and I want to get off, throw up, and have the sack to keep right on spinning with it; not that I have given up my dreams of suicide Luna. As for my final thought, getting clean and dry requires some work, you know like a Spin Cycle.

LATE