Now I know there is no actual God and the closest thing to the devil “The Abomination” had gone to church with my mother and younger sister; if it had been him I would have been praying for death. I was aware of voices outside however I wasn’t aware of what had been unleashed and nor did I care; my heart had been broken for the last time. Maybe it was only me; when I have been sick keeping in mind I don’t remember my childhood, nobody ever cared so I always imagined someone, a girl, a lover, or a hallucination by this point to take care of me.
I had woken up for a year and a half, head over heels in love with a girl and I was thinking maybe she had said something, maybe she felt the same, just maybe something good because by this time a year and a half of pining away she finally understood. Sunday, July 19, 2009 11:23 AM as the world lied dying I could care less as I fell to the floor thinking this pain could not be real. I have lost happy a long time ago but life was something I had found and to have it snatched away so quickly; I would have been better off I thought.
My breaths were merely gasps, the pain seemed to be coming from everywhere, I was burning, choking, and the tears I had lost so long ago were coming down in buckets. The moments continued to past and I finally began to hear a calling, but it wasn’t me for once it wasn’t me being blamed… Christa.
I have always believed in love at first sight but love is more than a moment, it’s several and the question is how do you spend those moments; when you’re in love they go by so very quickly. When one is without love a breath is not worth anything and yet you take another, why didn’t I stop; I have been doing this for twenty four years surely I knew this.A year and a half, I wasn’t upset before, hell I hardly even noticed; a day here or there had been harder than another but I looked forward to them. When you are caring, doing, and dreaming of someone you love it makes everything seem just a little bit easier, even The Abomination didn’t bother me much. I thought about Christa, did she think about me, did she miss me, and what she would finally say after seeing how much I loved her.
The moment I saw her and the moment I “saw” her were very much the same, my heart skipped a beat, I gasped, and I fell, only this time I never wanted to get up. How I had screamed to The Abomination to kill me once but he was much too sadistic for that and so was Christa; a year and a half and I felt I had been cheated, so much time, so much work, so many breaths and that bitch stole them. Even worse, this life that I didn’t want a year and a half ago had been lived; no suicide attempts, no attempted murder from The Abomination, and again no God, I didn’t want this.
Those few moments when I loved her and believed that someday she would know had all been lies, seconds of pleasure for this pain. She wouldn’t end it, she was somewhere laughing, somewhere enjoying herself, or so I thought; she was somewhere dying like everyone else.I wasn’t afraid of dying it’s just Christa made me want to live, from the moment I met her everything was different, honestly I don’t remember who the hell I was before her. The day of the outbreak and I was sick to my stomach because she reminded me so much of The Abomination, every look, every word, and the mere memory and I just wanted to die all over again because of that monster but my love for Christa kept the balance and then…
I’m not a Nazi but I have always believed in the “Final Solution” meaning if things ever got too hard for me all I needed to do was kill myself; the thought was my constant comfort. When it came to Christa even if it never went past day one had somehow woken me up, in an instant I had rediscovered love and a future with or without her either way I felt as if I had a chance. I was dead already before and had I died it wouldn’t have mattered, Christa was the reason I stayed.
She never looked at me but I knew what she was seeing now, ugly, worthless, and a nothing; suicide was always there waiting, The Abomination was just too spineless to ever carry it out. I’ve always believed words have power but their words could do exactly what the Loveless were doing and like some victim the infection didn’t want I crawled on my hands and knees, that day I was on my back. Memories good and bad only came back to haunt; they say your life flashes before your eyes before you die, for me all there was… pain.
When is it that we learn about death, for me it was the moment I was born, the moment some moron put me in the arms of my mother and The Abomination; if only I had known what awaited me. I was dying, I believed I was dying, I had gone from wanting Christa to wanting death more than anything, I got neither, I got my second chance.
I came to many realizations as I lie there, the first being I knew exactly what was happening outside, the second that I was not afraid, and the most important thing of all… that I was in love with Christa. How long had I searched for the power of love and it was right here as I rose; I was still angry, I was still very much confused but I was in love.
On the computer were notices popping up about the plague but none of them knew, not like me and somehow I just knew Christa had to know and no this was not an assumption. The Abomination and Christa, a moment ago I had been horrified by what they would do but I was way past that now, for once I was above them; call me worthless I could still feel myself burning. I felt a need to be with Christa more than anything, first I thought it was my rage but no this was passion, this was love.
I began watching the violence outside and while the darkest thoughts, my desire to make Christa feel exactly what I had felt were all still there somehow I maintained my sanity. What I found confusing was not the things outside but what was going on within me, from feeling nothing, to love, to pain, and then to feel that love once again but at this time and in this place. Listening to the Loveless call her name made me want to join in but I did not instead I began to embrace this new world as I made my way outside.
In love once again I felt renewed even more than the first time I fell for her, call it salvation, redemption, or simply living which is strange with all the dying I witnessed. They were calling for her and I knew, without a doubt that Christa was calling for me, for this moment I had been born again.
There was a time I wished I hadn’t been born at all, a life as the son of The Abomination, my constant suicide attempts, a life without love, there was no way anyone would choose this life. I remember being told I must be born again, I hated The Abomination and didn’t need another father or mother, but if only I had started my life out this way; if anything it was more honest.
The destruction of the human soul is perhaps the greatest crime a human being can commit, why can’t I remember if The Abomination did any good, how horrific his crimes were; when murdering my soul he started early. Every single time I ever attempted to take my own life he was the reason, not love, not hate, and not even Christa, I wanted to die to escape him. The rest of the world, I can’t imagine anyone truly loved me so I was already dead, why even begin such an existence.
Love is the reason, what other reason did there need to be and The Abomination had prepared me for such a time; compared to The Abomination, the Loveless were children. I had watched The Abomination beat my mother so when I saw the beatings, the rapes, the feeding, I felt as I had felt for my mother only this time I had the power to stop it and yet I did nothing; I couldn’t save everyone or maybe I just didn’t care despite all this new found love I felt. All the lies that bastard had every told me were now gone and for once I could see the truth but I had known it all along.
The world of The Abomination was my Hell, my prison, and bedlam, in his world I would have surely died; I did die a coward’s death so many times. This place, the world that darling Christa had created, this ugly yet beautiful world, her beauty had brought me and I was born again.The first time I saw Christa was a few days after Valentine’s Day; what more can I say other than beautiful, it was her beauty that captured me, it was her beauty that lit up the world. I would never consider myself such but I changed on that day, I rose from the dead and became what I thought she wanted.
Curly brunette hair, her eyes were a shimmering brown, a Latina princess, the body of a goddess, if this was true beauty than how long had I been blind? Her voice, her singing, her laughter, how she would speak, again it was as if everything I thought I had known was being proven false… of course it was the whole damn world was a lie. This was all on an Internet video, I even saw she had joined the site on Valentine’s Day; how could a girl, that could be anywhere make me feel as such; I figured it must be better than a moment’s rejection, how wrong I was about that.
I’ll admit that I was nothing when I first saw her, empty but as I continued to watch her I felt myself being filled with such a love for her that had long since been destroyed. I had long forgotten the gifts that some said I had but for sweet Christa I began seeking those treasures once again to honor her. How I was taught to treat young women, I began surrendering my vices and preparing myself to be someone worthy of her; I believed I would have given anything if she would just have me.
Her beauty I thought was only made stronger by the love I felt for her, the way I lifted her on high, but it was not just me she had so many suitors, I was one in a thousand, one of millions. Her beauty shone down on me and with a touch of love I began to give her the one gift I truly knew I had to offer… writing.Every day I would write a poem in honor of her, words of love, beauty, maybe some truth, but that was in my most desperate hour, not bad only because I didn’t know I loved her so much. Perhaps one of the greatest days of my entire life was the day she spoke to me, when she told the world about me; my words had touched her so.
I have said that when I choose to use the word love it is because I know it’s meaning, I feel it, it’s true; no one who shared my blood can say I honestly meant it because they always forced it but for Christa it was real. My words could never capture her beauty and yet I tried; give me a million words and I would never truly capture her radiance but I would be honored to try and that I did. The truth was in the quest for an answer, nothing day one and weeks went by, months, sometimes she would respond so sweetly but most of the time there was only silence.
SensualChrista, this was her screen name and one night I watched and listened as she spoke to her many admirers, her suitors, and then she talked about me. It was nothing big but at that time it was everything, no one suitor had been named except for me; if I had ever thought of giving up then it was long past as I tripled my efforts. Not only did I write, I created videos, if a picture was worth a thousand words I would write those thousands and then follow up with a video tribute; poetry, videos, stories, blogs, my hands did much hoping soon my lips would follow suit.
Christa was the only word I ever really needed, her name had always been enough, and no word would ever come close to it, even now no word does. A lesson that Christa would soon learn as well for if I could never capture what she truly was in my words, how could she ever expect to capture me.
What had I become, I was a love sick puppy or I thought so and it really didn’t matter as long as Christa loved me and so I continued to dream. Maybe it was only Christa’s family but I have to imagine she felt the same about what I was becoming; I don’t know though if it was truly me or simply picking up on what she already believed.
Yes I was whipped even more so that she was so far away; I was a fool for letting her gain so much control over me but this is what love does. I was her devoted servant, her slave, had she but given me the command I would have done all that she asked of me and so much more. Surely I had been in love before but never this close and when I fell in love to do not because I was afraid, forced, or coerced but simply because it is what I wanted; I couldn’t give up such a feeling.
The new world is filled with psychotic raping zombies but back then a fool in love with a girl and I had never threatened her once, you would have thought I was one of the Loveless. Christa thought I was simply misunderstood but you don’t allow someone to love you for a year and a half and think they are deluded, not when the day you met you could have just as easily told them what you believed. No I was exactly what the Abomination thought I was, worthless, to Christa I was nothing, and what I was becoming well her fears would soon be realized.
What I had become was weak, pathetic, and a joke; the girl I loved reviewed me as such, my friends, even I saw it but I thought she would be mine. Obsessed, psychotic, dangerous, on the day of the virus who wasn’t, but really I had become so much more than how I started.
A man called… boy, isn’t this how all men start but more to the point as males; what makes a boy into a man anyway. Whatever it was I was still a boy or at least I had the instinct of my gender whatever people held that to be both then and now.
Are you no longer a boy when you first have a woman, I knew plenty of so called men they used women as playthings, especially when the infection began to take hold of them. What about when a boy has a family, again I saw men abandon their families at the first sign of trouble, even before joining in on the fucking that was going on in the streets. Maybe it was simply the courage of the human race, a boy standing to defend his mother as a man hit her; a boy loved a girl as a man fucked her, a boy learning a lesson that a man had already learned.I was no man, I never claimed to be ever but does that mean I was less, not a man, not a boy, I wasn’t even treated as a person though seeing people I might consider that a compliment; to put it simply people are bad. All I know was that I had the feelings of being a boy, I saw a pretty girl and I wanted her, I saw Christa and I loved her; in some ways I guess I was a member of the human race. I didn’t have any problem with boys that liked boys though, the Loveless didn’t either, showing that Cupid’s Crisis for all intents and purposes, was not a choice but they were born this way.
Everyone grew up on this “The Day of Flesh” and that included me but the question was what were we going into, was this evolution or were we devolving? When it came to me I had been less of what I was forever thanks to The Abomination and now Christa; but as Christa had brought me back before I was no longer, worthless.
Who says that we could not put a value on human life, we do so everyday; maybe the keyword there is “human” because I was never treated as such I was as worthless as Braxton who for some inexplicable reason continued to follow me. In later days I saw humanity, flesh, and the meat all have price tags, what was priceless were those things that we had so quickly taken for granted… like love.
The price of a man was based purely on strength, in the biological sense this was reasonable, even with money, goodness, or a heart it didn’t matter; his character, who had character then, who has character now? A woman was priced primarily by her beauty but then again a great man said that a boy often turned towards those females that reminded of their mother and I’ll say what a mother was suppose to be; it was very true of me when I would look at Christa. Truth be told that little dog that followed me had more value than nearly anyone who had ever been related to me and why is that you ask; because I believe he loved me.
It did not pay to be human anymore or maybe it did not pay to be civilized anymore for isn’t this how we judged humanity... by our own civilizations’ standards? Now it was only flesh, a pretty face, strong hands, or a hole to screw, without any such thing you were worthless which didn’t bother me before or after, for if I had all the power in the world I was still just me and that was nothing. White meat, dark meat, any meat really was good enough and still it did not bring people together, at least in the way that some were hoping for and still others became obsessed, destructive, and addicted to what mankind had become.The price of a human life; women and children, for women the price skyrocketed, for children well…there would be no future. As for the price of men it depended upon who found them and then again they weren’t really men anymore.
Manpower, the backs of slaves, the souls of soldiers, and the minds of gods, is this not how the world was built and so many more worlds were annihilated? Men were meat like everyone else and still somehow they were able to maintain power, never knowing that it had been a woman who brought on this fate, as the days of old a useful bit of knowledge but it would take away from their supremacy.
The hardest work mankind as a whole had ever had to do was to learn how to enslave other men, the lies, the pay, and the excuses did not matter, everyone was enslaved somehow and someway. Today was the day to die and while many knew why they gave their lives, what they did not understand is why they should have to; the greatest war humanity had ever fought was beginning and in a way it was a repeat of a dispute between two men and a woman from long ago. God was not in Heaven, he was in the lie of the first man who said he spoke for him, when actually he spoke for himself, and I wonder was I any different?
Though men would never admit it, they had fooled themselves and everyone else into believing that their power was absolute and then the Loveless changed everything. Though women would never admit it, everything they accused men of they secretly coveted and repeated, as if they were counterfeit gods. What none would admit is that not one could bring down the world alone it had to be two, one man, one woman, and one ending.
I had come to both hate humanity and to love them, after all what was I really. As much as I hate to admit it I was a boy and I judge my manhood on that of the world but was I not grown? Christa was grown, younger than me but she was grown but she was more than a girl, more than a woman, she was a monster, she was guilty and so was I…
Define "Monster"… a boy that fell in love with a girl, the girl who rejected, and the whole damn world that they had been brought into. There are new monsters or maybe just evolved but monsters nonetheless and if something did not stop them well… same as the old boss.I never pictured myself as an innocent, I lost that when The Abomination framed me for everything but I never pictured myself so guilty and when I was guilty unlike him I could own up to it but normally I was never alone in my mess. Somewhere Christa was fighting for her life, how long had her glee lasted, her last smile, and who had been the first to die by her hand? Who knows where we would be if the world had been different, if I had been seen differently, if she had been like any other girl day one, if this world had been just a little bit nicer.
When I see monsters I always begin with The Abomination; I was no longer afraid but I wasn’t stupid, to think if that monster had died the day I was born but he lives and with the power I now possessed I still could not go back. Of course there were the Loveless, the dead, and people in general, raping, feeding, and killing, it was almost no difference between them anymore. Finally there were things, creatures, tentacles, and things not dead yet, not Loveless and definitely not people, horrors yet to truly be known.
I have been called worse and Christa had been called better but the world was what it was, monstrous or at the very least what had existed on it became monsters. Yet somehow I was in love with one of those monsters, I was stalking that monster as she always said I would… Christa.
A girl called… but who was calling her, how she prayed for voices that the gun had silenced, she was now completely alone; she had yet to except it. The morning of Cupid’s Crisis she had no intention on dying but isn’t that how it works... what choice did she have now?
Now she was a Christian but what God could allow such things to happen; how could she have done such things, covered in blood, gun in hand, and the corpses outside her bedroom door. She was aware of voices outside however she wasn’t aware of what had been unleashed but the fact is she cared; her life was being ripped apart at the seams. There was no one there to take care of her as she lied there but for some reason she began to see, dear sweet Christa began to see me.
Christa had woken up for a year and a half, living her life and she had never imagined, she had no idea; all she knew was a boy had loved her and everyone else who had was dead or dying but she knew not him. Sunday, July 19, 2009 11:23 AM as the world lied dying, she cried and screamed thinking this pain could not be real. How happy she had been once, how truly alive but death was something she had found and to have it take her in so quickly; would she have been better off she thought.
Her breaths were merely gasps, the pain seemed to be coming from everywhere, she was burning, choking, and the tears mixed with the blood, mixed with the juices running down her thighs. The moments continued to past and she couldn’t block them out anymore, the calling, the name, the one who was to blame… Christa.
A man called… like I had been called such a long time ago but he would truly know as he sat there in the darkness; already he could hear the beat of thousands of Loveless above him. She was the lovely SensualChrista, if you call being covered in blood, torn clothing, and signs of panic sensual but he couldn’t take his eyes off of her.
He would have to leave soon, if anything he would not die alone in this place, having lived his life here; if there was ever a time to break free. He would go because of the little Chihuahua scratching at his door, that he let in, and jumped onto his bed as if waiting for something. Finally there was the girl on his computer screen; he couldn’t help himself, was this really the time for anyone to be falling in love.She was a killer, she didn’t hide anything, she couldn’t hide anything, and though she had lied and would do so again and again, there was truth to her now. “Slut,” “Whore,” and “Bitch” he had no delusions of what she was, if this was another time how he would have seen Christa as Heaven sent. He could hear those things outside calling for her and yet she still wanted someone to find her, not to kill her but to love.
The Chihuahua began crying, he was being called, summoned, compelled, and yet he was willing as he began to pack up. “Help” was the last word he heard from Christa as he turned off his laptop; this calling a little dog, love, and the beautiful Christa… he was A Man Called…
Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.
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