Lesson 104 ~Inhaling Hell~

Monday, April 18, 2011

Hey Lady Luna…
People believe life is a gift… for me it’s a day I didn’t plan on, a day I didn’t plan on seeing, and a day I wish I could give back. Now I’m hoping there will be a “victim” for today but seeing as how I’m in the library, I’m working without all my gadgets and gizmos, and time is never a luxury I’ll just get started with a word “aftermath”.

Luna you don’t know what it’s like, praying that you will die in the darkness and knowing that the moment you open your eyes in the morning you have no choice but to exist, to do, and to be. You want to know why I didn’t plan on seeing this day… because I saw it yesterday, and the day before, and a few years before; stop me if you heard this one, wanting to die, scared to go back to the house, and knowing that I don’t matter at all. It’s my own cowardice I know, I mean what is stopping me from driving my car into a “rock or a hard place”, I could jump off that cliff in the woods, and hell got knives.

The fact that I’m in the library is just another example of existing… I mean I talk about freedom but what is it, I talk about power but I can’t define, and you know how I talk about love; the point is I’ve never had these things; dude in Office Space, talks about having eight bosses, try six billion and growing. What about those gadgets and gizmos I was talking about, I steal enough, yes ask anybody, I steal enough to survive and then they tell me to get down on my knees and thank God that I’m not dead yet; I’ll thank him and believe when I am out of this place but I know where I am? Seek life elsewhere right Luna but everywhere looks exactly the same, everything I do ends in failure and I know I’ll never be clean; so when I think of aftermath, the battle is over, I’ve lost, but I won’t surrender and I can’t die.

Ask me right now where I would like to be… dead; dead men tell no tales hell if my writing is a gift, they can take it back too as long as I don’t have to experience, to know, and to breathe. Okay Luna now I’m back at the house which means I’m back at ground zero and nothing looks any better and who knows, in the next few seconds like the song goes “prepare for disaster”.

When it comes to breathing it’s those great breaths, those gasps, what about the sighs and the everyday that really drive me crazy Lady Lu. How many times do I have to say I want to die which means I don’t want to breathe; I get glimpses of how beautiful destruction is from time to time and I only want to see more.

I take deep breaths but I think what am I really breathing Luna… today’s lesson Inhaling Hell, damnation; I had a Sunday school teacher tell me once that when I took communion without believing in God, that it was drinking damnation into my soul; hell now if only those pills would kill my body. The gasps come with fear and with The Abomination’s failure, I swear I feel like telling him to just finish the job but why go for the kill when you can go for the pain; sadist bastard. Sighing and the everyday are one in the same; it’s all sadness, longing, and desire but for some inane reason, breathe in and breathe out.

Today I saw The Abomination outside and my breathing stopped, which it usually does for just a moment but I had the thought, the chance, maybe even the duty to hit the gas in my car and run him over with the back end… then I could breathe again. What about when I see a pretty girl, my heart skips beat, it seems time stops as well; now if only all these things would happen on a permanent basis… didn’t I tell you how beautiful destruction is. What about my constant suicide attempts; I can’t tell you how many times I have taken the pills, stood on the edge of a cliff, or wrapped a plastic bag over my head and pray that there won’t be another breath or at least give me a final breath and let me go; it never happens Luna.

So what have I learned today Luna, other than the fact that I don’t have a victim; I suppose it’s the fact that everyone else does, keeps them breathing it does but I give myself too much credit, without me yeah you know. For a final thought, all that awaits me is another breath and that is why they say eternal damnation because I’ll be here, Inhaling Hell.

LATE